Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
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I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*