Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
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The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.