I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
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[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane