we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
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a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
the prophecy has been fulfilled
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
Lunatics are gonna loon.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’