I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
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this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.