My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
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Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
It be like that sometimes 😆
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Who’s ready for Friday?!
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy