“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
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You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER