*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
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I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
Comparing yourself to others
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card