I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
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HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.