“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
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You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
This checks out
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?