Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
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GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.