I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
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Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.