2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
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I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
I put the mess in domestic.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.