Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
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Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine