my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
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Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.