the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
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In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
? 💀
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
My time has come.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what