HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
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Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
“A little help here, Danny?”
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car