I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
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Netflix: Letâs charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
Waitress: *laughs at my husbandâs dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
âŚ
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Barbie: [whose arms donât bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands donât close] hell no
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
âwhat does your tattoo meanâ i had money and nobody stopped me
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I donât mean either now.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge đ
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
My husbandâs favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
The doctor said to me, âDo you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?â
I said, âI canât say Iâm surprised.â
If anyone is missing a cup itâs probably in my daughterâs room
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things