ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
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I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Catering service
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.