A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
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My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
Growing out my freckles.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
new wife guy just dropped
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
the three branches of government
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉