Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
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Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
i鈥檓 stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I鈥檓 excited to meet my children for the first time*
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 馃槀
My daughter just told me I鈥檓 giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I鈥檓 finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
wife: i wish you鈥檇 moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma鈥檃m, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don鈥檛 think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you鈥檙e gonna have to wait
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It鈥檚 a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom