welp
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The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
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I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags: