I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
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Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence