[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
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Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.