Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
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I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”