I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
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There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Always the barmaid, never the bar.