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Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on