[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
You Might Also Like
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.