Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
You Might Also Like
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??