got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
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3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
I camp so other people don’t have to.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that