I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
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Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
same energy
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.