Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
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[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Lunatics are gonna loon.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
*has no idea what a book even is*
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
My rap name is When i$ Lunch