Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
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We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
☠️☠️☠️
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
My work here is done
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.