2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
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Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
Nice try, NASA
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what