Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
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How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
subtitles are so good nowadays
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good