I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
You Might Also Like
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?