When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
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I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Your secret is safeish with me
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines