Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
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My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
A bold strategy
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
Well, that didn’t work.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.