I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
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Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
accurate
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough