MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
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I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.