I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
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her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
I love the National Park Service.