i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
You Might Also Like
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.