Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
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mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me