Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
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I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.