Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
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[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
This is my cat’s medicine.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!