Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
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The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?