A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
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Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
Unimpressed
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.