Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
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I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined