Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
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Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
How do dragons blow out candles?
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.