Damn he played himself
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Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird